JUDITH

JUDITH is for mature readers. Language, Scenes, Violence are all factors in this intense novella.

This book has held the number one spot in horror over a dozen times since its release in 2010.

INTRODUCING - THE BOOK JUDITH by M Teresa Clayton - In it's entirety.

For my beloved husband

James R. Clayton

May he rest in eternal peace.

Copyright © 2012 by M Teresa Clayton

All rights reserved. No part of this book, text or illustration, may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any

information storage or retrieval system, without permission in

writing to CLAYTONZAICKO@YAHOO.COM

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are, as macabre as it seems, the product of the author’s imagination and are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

COVER ART  by Debbi Zaicko

ISBN – 978-1-10542311-6

PRINTED IN THE UNITED STATES

CHAPTER ONE

“Life is a solitary cell whose walls are mirrors” Eugene O’Neill

Miss Burton, can you hear me?”

They talk to me as if I were important, as if it mattered at all if I looked them in the eye and held a conversation with them. 

The smell of electricity and metal colliding in the room creates an odor like hot irons on burning hair. The stench is palpable. The color of cold steel grays against the antiseptic whites doesn’t do much to keep me interested. Though, it does have a strange attraction for the mind’s eye. The room awash in vagueness does wonders for my imagination.

Sure, I can hear you.  I can hear your pathetic emphatic inquiries for some sign of acknowledgment. 

You aren’t going to get it from me, no one’s home, asshole.

She comes closer; I begin to sense movement as her hips brush against me. I can taste the blood, like copper, that seems to emanate from her. She smells of the season that marks her days in cyclical obscenity. It’s funny how incredibly heightened your sense of smell becomes after…

“That’s all for today.” I can hear the ringing of self-importance in his voice.  “Let’s get her back up to her room and I’ll write an order to up the dosage of Lithium and add the Seroquel; we’ll see how she responds to the ECT’s after she wakes up.”

How I respond?  I don’t respond, you dumb ass, or haven’t you been paying attention?  Electro-shock?  Compared to what I’ve been through? This is just a brain massage!  Call it what you will, but it cannot hold a candle to reality shock.

Settle down, dear.  You know how worked up you get after a session.

1She always has that calming affect.  Her voice is a hushed graceful cradling embrace and I feel so small inside. 

As far back as I can remember she has been there – just for me; soothing the burns seared into my memory, kissing away the pain, making it all okay again.

I can’t remember her name.  But, I could never forget that voice.  Did I ever know her name?

Shhh, baby. Close your eyes and forget the monsters.  I am here, sweet baby girl.  I will not let them hurt you; just sleep.

Sleep. That’s what I need to do, sleep… take her hand and walk with her to the other side… where I can rest my mind in her soft warm lap and listen to the whispers while she gently lifts my hair away from my face with her graceful fingers… always there for me, after...  I knew when it got real bad, she would make the pain go away, make it alright again; keep me safe, for awhile.  Safe…For a while.

CHAPTER TWO

“Here is a list of fearful things: The jaws of sharks, the vultures’ wings, the rabid bite of the dogs of war, the voice of one who went before. But most of all, the mirror’s gaze, which counts us out our numbered days.” - Clive Barker

Mornings were so very different from the nights. In the light of day, Judith’s mother was radiant and full of life, a reflection of their sweet fanciful existence. Their life was a fairytale of lively playfulness, imagination and a deep abiding love.

“Come on, Judith,” Amanda would call out to her daughter. “It’s time to rise and shine.”

Her mommy did not work during the day like other mommies. They would play and picnic in the nearby park often. After eating a small meal on a thick quilt laid upon the ground, they would lie down staring up at the clouds. “That one looks like a horse!” Judith squealed with delight.

“It’s running wild and free with the breeze,” her mommy added. “Imagine riding on that pony’s back and you could go anywhere in the world. Where would you go, Judith?”

“Somewhere where we can ride real ponies,” Judith spoke in a hushed dreamy voice. “We could live in a big house… me and you… and daddy.”

“Daddy?” Amanda looked over at her daughter, surprised.

“Oh, yes!” Judith smiled and closed her eyes for a moment. “Daddies are special. Emily Richardson says her daddy takes her places where real animals do tricks, they eat spun cotton on a stick and he puts her on his shoulders so she can see everything! Little girls get stepped on and pushed around, but on a daddy’s shoulders you are bigger than everyone else.”

“Yes, I suppose you are right about that Judith. But you won’t be little forever.” Amanda looked over at her daughter, eyes now staring back up at the clouds.

No, she won’t be little forever, she thought to herself. “Look mommy!” Judith pointed to the cloud. “The pony’s neck has grown longer. Now it’s a giraffe! Now it can see over all the other clouds.”

Giggles erupted, yet Amanda feared she was watching her daughter getting bigger right before her eyes. Where does the time go? she wondered as she reached over and tickled Judith to hear her sweet innocent laughter before it was too late. Too late? She thought, is it already too late?

Nights were different. The shadows frightened Judith as warm sunshine gave way to a chilling darkness. Long gone were the ponies in the sky and the dreams of faraway places, if only…

No, now laughter was replaced with sounds Judith could not put a name to, but she sensed the evil.

Somehow, dreams were whisked away and now nightmares stood on the other side of the doorway.

Go to sleep, sweet baby girl. I am right here with you. Sleep. Sleep.

Night sounds.

 “Oh, baby, you feel so good.  That’s it darlin’.” Mommy’s voice. 

She could hear her mother down the hall whispering to someone.  “Yeah, that’s good – let it go, baby!”

There was a long throaty moan that did not sound like her Mommy.  “Fuuuck, yes!”

She recognized those low deeper voices.  They always visited Mommy at night after Judith had been tucked into bed; her mommy’s friends.

These were the night sounds. Whispers, breathing, more whispers and then that low guttural noise, like a rabid animal. The sound of something banging hard against the wall, a steady rhythm that slowly grew louder and faster as the voices blended – his the sound of a grunting beast; hers high and pleading.  The intensity of that sound seemed to rise into a maddening howl. Then the sound of his triumph under heavy sighs while her mommy whimpered and gasped, finally falling into total silence.

It wasn’t long afterwards she would hear Mommy saying good night to her friend and closing the door, turning the lock – click…  safe.

Mommy’s footsteps led her down the hall toward Judith’s room.  She would open the door, enter and tip-toe to the side of her bed where she would kiss her fingertips and then, ever so gently, touch it to her daughter’s forehead.  Judith pretended to be fast asleep, but she always listened; always knew. Then the arguments would begin with that awful woman.

Judith didn’t know who Mommy was talking to in her room but the woman was so mean and said such despicable things.

“You are nothing more than a worn out silk bag for men to deposit their filth and loose change.”

Mommy was always crying when the woman spoke to her. “I am trying to do my best, please try to understand.  I have a young daughter to feed and I get no help from anyone.  ANYONE!”

“Don’t raise your voice to me, Amanda!”  The other woman knew her mother’s name.  She called her mommy by her name!  Judith listened.

“You are a slut, Amanda.  Men use you and you accept their money for lying on your back and playing their game. That makes you nothing more than a common whore.”

Mommy would try to muffle her cries but Judith could still hear them.

Finally, she would hear the shower. The sound of the water would tell her it was safe again and she could close her eyes and fall into sweet dreams. 

But that night, Judith listened until she was sure Mommy was under the spray of water and decided to see who the hateful woman was in Mommy’s room.

Judith tiptoed past the bathroom and into her mother’s room to look around. The room always smelled like perfume and dirty socks, the furniture was old, large and ominous. The wood was dark and dirty with odd patterns of a lighter inlaid wood that would create scary faces in the grain.

Against one wall was the vanity, with a set of drawers on both ends and a big scooped out center area where Mommy would sometimes rest her feet while brushing her hair.  In front of the vanity was a matching bench with a red velvet padded seat that was still very soft and cushy.

Then there was the mirror! Judith recalled it had turned an amber sort of shade around the edges of the glass and the ‘wrinkled’ lines crisscrossing in the center showed its weathered age and gave it an eerie appearance.  The mirror was big enough to reflect the length of your entire silhouette when standing.

Judith was sure the red velvet coverlet that Mommy used to protect the mirror was part of some old curtains that once matched the vanity seat. She was always careful to cover the mirror when she wasn’t using it to brush her hair or put on her makeup. 

There was no one in the room.  Judith shuffled quietly to the other end of the apartment, tiptoeing past the bathroom door and her own bedroom before coming to where the hall branched to the left into the kitchen or right, into the living room.

The aroma of spices from the kitchen mingled with the musty antiques that lined the walls of the living room. The rooms were empty of life.  No one was there.

Judith knew she still had to be here because Mommy had already closed the door for the night and turned the lock.

She crept back to her mother’s room and that’s when she noticed the red velvet coverlet that hung over the mirror moved ever so slightly.  Perhaps it was just a delayed response from the air shifting as Judith entered.  The one thing Judith feared more than her mommy’s late-night visitors was that damned vanity mirror.  She could feel it watching her… waiting.

She walked over and sat down on the vanity seat in front of the covered mirror and felt the plush silkiness of the red velvet cushion against the back of her thighs as she scooted herself forward. Slowly and carefully, she reached her hand up...

“JUDITH!”

Judith quickly withdrew and spun around to see her mommy standing naked in the doorway, water dripping from her hair and an expression of drowned terror. Her face was pale and Judith could see her bottom lip tremble as she tried to compose and cover herself with the sheet from the bed. Mommy wrapped the sheet around her slender frame and tucked it in at the top to secure it. Then she held her hand out to summon Judith.

“Judith, please honey, come to bed.  Step away from the mirror and let’s go tuck you in, shall we?”  Her voice was incredibly shaky and her eyes never even blinked. Judith did not like seeing her mommy so unsettled. 

Judith obediently stood up and walked over to her mother and took her hand.  Together they walked back to her bedroom where she took to her bed without speaking a word. Her mommy tucked the covers up around her chin and then kissed her forehead with her now pallid lips. They were soft and warm, and her mommy smelled so clean.

“I’m sorry if I frightened you baby.” Her mother whispered to her. “I heard footsteps… and, well… when I came to check on you, it startled me – that’s all. Then her mommy kissed her forehead again and wiped her hand gently over her cheek moving her hair away from her face.

“I love you, Judith.” She said as she closed the bedroom door.

It’s okay now, Judith, let me sing you to sleep.

Her singing always relaxed Judith into a deep and peaceful slumber.

CHAPTER THREE

“Life is a mirror and will reflect back to the thinker what he thinks into it”. - Ernest Holmes

Judith stood quietly at the bedroom door watching her mother as she began brushing her hair. The mirror was uncovered now and reflecting the exquisite splendor of her beloved mother. Judith admired her mother’s beauty and her long dark chestnut hair.  She was a small delicate woman with creamy skin and dark features.  When she painted her lips red, her face would suddenly blush with intense color.  She looked like one of Judith’s porcelain dolls that had magically come to life. 

Thankfully, it was morning. The sun was shining brightly through the sheer curtains hanging at the window, highlighting the red against the brown of her hair. Mommy is always happy and dancing around the apartment on days like this, she thought to herself.

Judith absentmindedly reached up to touch her own hair, aware of the striking similarities between herself and her mother. She smiled knowing that someday she would look just like her; exquisitely chiseled features, emerald eyes surrounded by long thick feathery eyelashes, a smile that could stun a crowded room into a silent awe, framed by a glistening chestnut mane of spun silk.

Yes, someday she would look just like her mommy. Someday, she would be just like her

mommy…

Judith hesitated before entering the room.  She remembered the red coverlet moving the night before.

“Mommy?”

“Judith!” Amanda jumped, surprised by her daughter’s unannounced presence. Pulling herself together, she put the brush down, turned with a big smile and called Judith to her.

“Come sit with me Judith.  We’ll brush your hair, put some color on your lips and you’ll look just like Mommy.” She would always talk about herself in the third-person, as if she wasn’t really there. Judith wondered to herself if perhaps this morning mommy and the nighttime mommy were two different people, like the twins who lived down the hall.

Danny and Denny were their names. Danny was the nice one. He was Judith’s best friend in the building and he would always let her go first when they played games.

Denny wasn’t so nice, he was selfish and such a bad loser. She thought back to that day when they were playing checkers and she had cornered his last piece to win the game. Denny flipped the board over and scattered all the checkers onto the floor. His face had become distorted and red. It scared Judith.

The feel of the brush gliding through her hair felt good.  Judith liked the way Mommy focused so much love on her when they shared moments like this. “Why do you have so many friends here at night, Mommy?” She asked. “Some of them are creepy.”

“Creepy?” Amanda’s face twitched. Judith thought she saw a slight change in her mother; something unnatural and cold. “How do you know they are creepy?  You should be fast asleep young lady,” Amanda scolded, then her expression softened and she smiled at Judith sweetly.

Her mommy was such a captivating woman, Judith thought.  I want to be just like her when I grow up.

“I don’t like them, Mommy.”

“That’s why they don’t come to visit until you are tucked safely into your own bed.” Amanda replied. “You don’t need to like them and they don’t need to know anything about you.”

“Now, turn around and let us have a look at you.  There you are – beautiful – just like mommy!” she beamed.

Just like your mother!

Judith was facing her mommy and didn’t see her lips move. Where did that voice come from? Did Mommy hear it too?  She had to hear it!

“Mommy?”

“Go on now, Judith, it’s time for school; we don’t want you to be late.” Again, third person; it was never just she and I, there was always that strange ‘we’.

Bedtime rolled around once more and the night played out as it always did. There were different voices, different names – but the sounds were basically the same.

Later, Judith would hear the old woman who would chastise her mommy over and over again, bringing her to tears. Then it would suddenly stop and she would drift off to the sound of running water and the sweet lilting lullaby she would sing to her, just for her.

CHAPTER FOUR

"One need not be a chamber to be haunted, one need not to be a house. The brain has corridors surpassing material places." - Emily Dickinson

Sleep.

Blessed sleep… safe, behind a wall of dreams where her voice speaks to me in lullabies. Yes, that is where I go when the memories begin that incessant pounding at the door as if I would ever invite them in; as if I’d ever share coffee and crumb cakes with them. Nor will I chat lady-like with my hands folded in my lap, comparing notes with white-coats in order for them to dissect me and judge my sanity.

I’m never far enough from the stench of reality. It paces back and forth in the room waiting for me to show some sign of cognizance. I won’t give in.

There always seems to be someone in the room with me at all times. I can taste their sour rancid breathing every time they let go of a deep sigh from the boredom that seems to keep them company as they make notations on their little charts, attached to metal clipboards. I can almost make out the words as they are written down… like reading lips, only I’ve become very keen to the sound of the word ‘catatonic’ as it is scribbled upon the page.

Catatonic… a word that does no justice for the peace it provides when I am able to remain safely inside of my own psychosis. Oh yes, I have become an expert on the medical terms they use to mask their communication, as if I either cannot hear or would not understand.

I understand.

I understand that if one more of those fucking nurses come near me with a brush in her hand, I will break her fucking nose!

Shhh, relax baby girl. I’m here. I haven’t left your side… sleep, sleep, shut it all out and sleep…

CHAPTER FIVE

"Because no one has more thirst for earth, for blood and for ferocious sexuality than the creatures who inhabit cold mirrors" - Alejandra Pizarnik

  

It was cold outside and the wind was pounding against the window of the bedroom when her life shifted hard, introducing Judith to the evil inside of the night sounds.

“You owe me, Alan! You told me you’d pay me for last week and tonight!  I have a mouth to feed!” Her mother was angry and her voice was harsh.

“That blow-job wasn’t worth a plug-nickel!” he yelled back at her. It was a familiar voice – one of Mommy’s friends… one of the creepy ones.

Judith heard the loud slap of flesh against flesh followed by a hard crashing sound, followed by a shrill scream unlike anything she had ever heard before. There were more crashing sounds and then silence.

Judith thought for a second that she should run out there and see if Mommy was okay, but she was frozen in fear.

“You fucking two-bit whore!” The man’s voice called out in a rage. Then she heard her mother screaming for him to let her go. Judith could hardly breathe.

“I’ll show you how to make a nickel and feed a hungry mouth!”

Judith could see the shadows in the gap between the bottom of her bedroom door and the floor. There was an awful tussle and then the door burst open. 

Judith’s eyes grew large when she saw the blood oozing from the man’s lower lip. She was thinking her mommy must have hit him pretty hard. Then in that same moment she gasped as she suddenly realized he was dragging her mother by her blood soaked hair into the bedroom; more blood than Judith had ever seen. “Alan!” She was screaming. “She is a little girl. Please leave her alone. She never hurt anyone. This is between you and me. Don’t hurt her. Please!”

In the light from the hallway Judith could see a rip across her mother’s face that started above her right eye and slid down across her face until it ended at her torn left ear.

The man threw her mother against the wall and told her not to move or he would kill them both. Judith watched in horror as her mommy’s face went blank and shook with terror at what was now coming for her.

The man grabbed Judith by her hair and threw her head back so that her mouth was gaping open. In what seemed a flash, her mouth was full of something hard and she was choking on something wet. That’s when she began to sing to her in that sweet lullaby voice.

Close your eyes, Judith. I’m here, sweet baby girl.  Clear your mind child and dream; now close your eyes and sleep.

CHAPTER SIX

“When a lion roars in front of a mirror, do you think the mirror roars… Or, when the lion is gone and a child comes dancing, the mirror completely forgets about the lion and starts dancing with the child…? The mirror does nothing, it simply reflects. Your consciousness is only a mirror. Neither do you come, nor do you go… You become young, you become old; you are alive, you are dead. All these states are simply reflections in an eternal pool of consciousness.” - 

Osho [Chandra Mohan Jain]

The sun felt warm shining through the slats of the blinds.  Judith’s face was swollen and she had a horrible taste in her mouth. She felt nauseous and ran into the bathroom to brush her teeth and gargle.  She stood on the step stool and looked at her reflection in the mirror above the sink but did not see any bruises or scrapes, yet her face ached. 

Judith splashed cool water onto her burning cheeks and wiped her face with a clean towel. As she stepped back into the hall she caught a glimpse of her mommy lying on the bedroom floor in front of the vanity.

Judith ran to her mother’s bedroom door but couldn’t bring herself to go any further. Lying motionless on the floor at her feet was the lifeless mangled body of her mother, her face matted in blood and almost unrecognizable.

“I can’t remember, Mommy. I can’t remember what happened”, she whispered to herself.

Well, I saw the whole thing Judith! Let me try to refresh your memory, shall I?

Judith could hear the voice of an old woman, that evil old woman.  It seemed to be coming from the vanity. 

The next thing she remembered, she was running barefoot in her nightgown through the quiet snow covered streets screaming for someone to help her and to help her mommy.

CHAPTER SEVEN

An example is often a deceptive mirror, and the order of destiny, so troubling to our thoughts, is not always found written in things past.  – Pierre Corneille

In and out of foster homes throughout her teenage years, Judith never seemed to fit in anywhere and no one ever really understood.  But, for a time, Judith was safe.

She tried to blend into the background as much as she possibly could at school, but sooner or later there’d be a boy… and then there wouldn’t be.  No one ever knew what happened to the boys and they certainly didn’t ask questions of a quiet timid nobody like Judith.  But eventually, there came the whispered rumors and soon she would find herself being packed up and sent away until another family would agree to take her in.

Judith wanted to be loved and it seemed she could be if she ‘showed’ her love for them. Things always ended up being something altogether different. The moment of ‘proving’ was over and, boys being boys…well, there were long lists of other girls to conquer.  It made Judith very angry.  She did her part and they told her they loved her, yet once done – they would always find a reason to leave her and move on.

On Judith’s eighteenth birthday, she graduated from High School, was given her freedom from the foster-care system to survive on her own, signed the papers to retrieve the few possessions left to her by her mother from the state storage facility, and missed her period.

Her mother left her enough money to rent a small apartment and Judith paid up six months in advance.  Then, using her best helpless-woman-in-need act, she asked a guy from school if he could borrow his dad’s truck and help her move her mommy’s things from storage into her new apartment.

“And, what do I get for helping you?” Seemed this was the typical boy response.  There was always payment, wasn’t there?  Always something expected.

“How much do you want?” Judith asked him, knowing it wasn’t money he wanted.

“How ‘bout some of this?”  He reached his hand behind her and squeezed her ass.  Judith clenched her teeth and tightened her jaw to contain her rage. They always seemed so cocky sure of themselves, Judith thought to herself.

She didn’t knock his hand away. She didn’t step back away from the insult. Judith looked him dead in the eye and with a dimpled grin answered, “Sure, whatever.”

Jimmy opened the wide hinged doors of the storage unit and they both stepped aside waiting for the dust to settle.

“How long has this stuff been in here?” he asked.

“Long enough”, Judith responded coldly. “Let’s get this stuff out of here and let the drive over to the apartment blow off the dust.”

“Then you can blow me?” he smirked.

“Then I will suck your brains out of your head if you like.” She didn’t bat an eye and watched as he twitched nervously at her candor.

There wasn’t much. Everything fit into the back of Jimmy’s father’s truck.  That’s when Judith saw it; the vanity. The mirror was still attached and covered by that old red velvet coverlet.

Judith’s heart sank and her stomach almost jumped clear out of her throat.  She protectively placed her hand over her belly.

“What’s wrong with you? You look sick.” Jimmy really seemed concerned in that brief moment. Probably hoping I can still pay him for services rendered, she thought to herself.

“I’m fine.” She replied. “Help me with this old vanity and we’ll be done here.”

Judith sat in the cab of the truck with the red velvet coverlet in her lap, thinking about that old mirror. I am older now, and wiser – right? Judith questioned to herself. I know mirrors do not talk.

I know people don’t live inside of mirrors. I don’t believe in ghosts. But this mirror, this vanity, scared Judith to the core of her being.

“Jimmy, would you like to take the antique vanity and mirror as payment for your help today?” she offered. “It is worth quite a bit of money, I’m sure.”

“I don’t need no makeup table and mirror. I need Judith face down between my legs sucking off the head of my cock”, he grinned assuredly.

Judith sat quiet for the rest of the ride back to the apartment. They unloaded the few items that now represented all she had left of her mother.  There were a couple of party dresses, some costume jewelry, the antique hair-brush and matching hand mirror, a few ornamental hair combs, a framed picture of her sitting on her mommy’s lap with their look-alike smiles, bed, chiffarobe and the vanity.

Once they had everything inside and strewn across her hand-me-down double bed, Judith could feel Jimmy’s eyes staring a hole through the back of her head. She didn’t turn around as she listened for his footsteps and bristled as he brushed aside her long brown hair and breathed on the back of her neck.  It was time to pay up.

After she was finished and wiping the residue off her chin she thought she heard the low whisper of an old woman’s voice coming from somewhere behind her in the room. “Did you just hear that?” she asked Jimmy, who was now riding the waves of after-pleasure euphoria.

“What? Er, no – I didn’t hear anything.” He was trying hard to hang on to that wave.

Just like your mother.  You are just like her.

Judith did not want to turn around.  She slowly picked up the dusty red velvet coverlet and without turning her head to face it, she walked over to the vanity and threw the coverlet over the mirror.

“You are a freaky little thing, Judith Burton.” Jimmy had watched the whole thing play out and looked at Judith like she had seriously lost her mind; which, by the way, was exactly what she was thinking.

“I gotta go now, Judy baby…”

Judith swooped over to where Jimmy was sitting on the edge of her bed and grabbed him by the throat with one hand, making sure she had a good grip with her fingernails. Judith could feel his Adam’s-apple bobbing up and down beneath her hold as he tried to swallow and breathe. How odd that he doesn’t struggle to escape my hold, Judith thought as she studied his face and held him in her gaze.

“My name is Jud-ith, not Judy. I am not your baby.” She spit into his face with as much venom mixed with cum as she could muster. “You will never address me by those names again or I will rip your fucking throat out.”

Stunned and clearly confused Jimmy nodded in agreement and Judith let him go.  No other words were exchanged and Judith never heard from Jimmy again.

CHAPTER EIGHT

“The face is the mirror of the mind, and eyes without speaking confess the secrets of the heart.”  – Saint Jerome

“Ms. Burton, how are you feeling this morning?”  The nurses here don’t look like nurses; no pristine whites. They look like inmates in their dingy grey tunics and matching pants. The only thing that identifies them is their painted on wax-lipped grins and their ID badges that make them all look like convicted felons.

This one’s name is Suzanne. Doesn’t matter what her name is, names are sounds that always come back in your worst nightmares to haunt your nights.  I wonder what kind of nightmares Suzanne is having. Her eyes have that familiar hollowed out look underlined with deep dark circles. I’d never get the chance to ask.  Like I said, didn’t matter anyway.

“Miss Burton, you look wonderful this morning; refreshed. Would you like some breakfast? They have your favorite this morning, cinnamon oatmeal and apple wedges.”

Who the hell told her my favorite breakfast was cinnamon oatmeal and apple wedges? I’m sure it wasn’t me. I haven’t told anyone anything since I arrived here.  

How long has it been? One month? Two? A year?  I’ve lost my sense of time but I haven’t lost one single memory. Funny how that works, isn’t it?  They think their drugs and their Dr. Frankenstein torture devices will erase the stains in my mind, obscure the view behind smoke and mirrors… Mirror…, dull the pain of knowing who I am, what I have become… and somehow, make it all better… I remember it all! And, I remember that evil, fucking possessed MIRROR!  She is the one who made me do it.  I had to be… safe.

Suzanne won’t say too much more to me, she just methodically lifts the spoon and I take the cinnamon slop into my mouth and swallow. I don’t care how much spice you add to it – it always feels the same as soon as it is deposited into my mouth. The abrasive paste seems to expand on the tongue. The cold gritty pulp sticks to my teeth while the more watery mush coats my throat and causes me to gag.

The gruel is cold and bland beneath the bitter cinnamon powder that looked like someone’s ashes sprinkled on top.  This cinnamon had long lost its sweet savory scent and was now nothing more than a brown residue that no one even took the time to mix into this slop they call oatmeal.

Apple wedges?  No, not wedges. Tiny lumps of something that resembled apple bits and, to my horror, were mixed in the oatmeal.  There was no way around them.  Once inside I had to either suffer the insult to my palate and chew them, while trying desperately to stomach the texture of the whole experience, or I could spit the entire mouthful of chunked up mass right into Suzanne’s face as she mimes her next open-mouth gesture for me to take another bite.

CHAPTER NINE

"We wait all these years to find someone who understands us, I thought, someone who accepts us as we are, someone with a wizard's power to melt stone to sunlight, who can bring us happiness in spite of trials, who can face our dragons in the night, who can transform us into the soul we choose to be. Just yesterday I found that magical ‘ Someone’ is the face we see in the mirror: It's us and our homemade masks." – Richard Bach

“Deep breath now Judith, and push!” the nurse lifted her shoulders as Judith strained with all her might. “One more push, Judith! Her head is out! Let’s get those shoulders on this next push, shall we?”

The room was flooded in light and a blue paper drape blocked her view of the doctor’s hands as he worked intently with her newborn daughter.

“Is she okay?” Judith barely got the words out.

“She is a fine healthy little baby girl”, the doctor answered. “Let’s get her stats and then we’ll bundle her up for you.”

Holding her baby girl was perhaps the most wonderful moment in Judith’s life. She wiped a tear from her eye trying hard not to remember… Oh, how she missed her mother and wished she were here to see her beautiful grandchild. Besides her mother, this little angel was the one thing in her life that would bring her joy. Judith instantly fell deeply in love with her baby girl.

“Her name is Lily, Lillian Abigail Burton,” Judith spoke as the nurses and doctor busily tended to their tasks.

Judith wanted a normal life for her little girl and, of course, that meant a daddy. However, Judith seemed to be cursed with suitors whose perversions were unsuitable for the role of father. Judith would meet a young man, go out on a few dates and find herself lying either defeated or defiled beneath him. There were those who simply lost interest after… and there were those whose interests were controlling and sadistic. Those who crossed that line and became a threat were dealt with. All that mattered to Judith was protecting Lily; keeping her safe.

Judith maintained a delicate balance of loving Lily, working to provide for her, and entertaining young men in her desperate attempt to find a suitable father for her daughter and maybe, just maybe, a loving companion for herself.

Judith dropped Lily off at Mrs. Henderson’s on the way to work. The lovely old woman lived on the first floor and was lonely, just like Judith. The two had formed an instant friendship over their one shared love – Lily. Mrs. Henderson and Lily formed a bond not unlike any natural grandmother and granddaughter.

“Come on in, Judith and have some tea.” Mrs. Henderson was like the grandmother Judith never had. Her own grandmother had passed long before Judith was born. 

Mrs. Henderson would always extend a hot cup and warm loving words that Judith craved desperately. “I’d love to have some tea, but I don’t want to be late for work.” Judith reached out to take Mrs. Henderson’s thin and weathered hand. “I have a double shift today and with the tips, I’ll be able to pay you for watching Lily.”

No matter how much Judith insisted on paying her, Mrs. Henderson would not accept any money for looking after the little girl. “She is like a grandchild to me, a blessing. I love that little girl and we enjoy each other’s company. Buy her something, Judith.” Mrs. Henderson continued. “I have enough money to last me, dear.

To show her appreciation, Judith would run errands for the old woman and bring her a slice of pie from the diner where she worked. Then they would sit and have tea together, exchanging stories and warming each other’s hearts with their shared love for Lily.

She had found a job as a waitress two days after moving into her apartment.  It seemed as if there was an angel watching over her. It was a steady paycheck and she enjoyed meeting new people.

When Judith said goodbye to Lily she would kiss her fingertips and then transfer the kiss to Lily’s tiny little head, just like her mommy did for her. 

Judith had worked at Dunmore’s Diner a little over six years. Mr. Dunmore was a gentle man who tried to give Judith as many peak hours as he could so she would take home more tips. Mrs. Dunmore was a tough old bird with little or no compassion for anyone but herself. The Dunmore’s were unable to have children and the Mrs. resented the special attention Judith received from Mr. Dunmore, always offering her extra hours when they were available so she could take care of her daughter.

Mr. Dunmore always greeted Lily with a big smile and a free ice-cream soda when she came to visit, but Mrs. Dunmore would bang the dishes loudly and growl to her self as she paced back and forth from one end of the counter to the other. 

Judith would just ignore Mrs. Dunmore and smile adoringly at Lily as she enjoyed her ice-cream soda. Yes, it did seem as if a guardian angel looked out for them.

But, finally the day arrived when there was no angel keeping watch. Here again, was another day that would send a ripple through her happy reality.

CHAPTER TEN

“Modern man likes to pretend that his thinking is wideawake. But this wide-awake thinking has led us into the mazes of a nightmare in which the torture chambers are endlessly repeated in the mirrors of reason.” - Octavio Paz

“What do you mean, I’m fired? Judith cried.  “I work ten hours a day, picking up shifts when someone calls in sick, and I’m never late!”

“She finds money missing from the register all the time, Judith. It is always on your shifts,” Mr. Dunmore answered. “Look, I know you have a little mouth at home to feed so I’ve added a few dollars to your check this week to help you out until you can find another job.”

She was stunned. Judith had never taken anything that wasn’t hers to take. She simply couldn’t understand any of it. Sure, Mrs. Dunmore was a bit envious but could she be this cruel?

“Judith, I told her there must be a mistake. I asked her to just talk to you but she will hear nothing of it. She’s my wife Judith, she told me I have to fire you. You understand? Please, just take the check and the little extra I added to it and go. I’m so sorry.”

Mr. Dunmore’s eyes were getting moist and Judith could see that this was difficult for him as well. She hugged him and kissed his cheek. “I understand Mr. Dunmore. I appreciate the extra bonus. It’s okay, I really do understand.”

               

Judith    didn’t    remember  the  walk  from Dunmore’s Diner to her front door. Thoughts of losing everything she had struggled so hard to hold on to flooded her mind. Tears rolled down her cheek and she made no attempt to wipe them away. Fear held her in its grip as she tried to think; tried to stay focused.

She stopped at Mrs. Henderson’s to pick up Lily and for the next few days she and Lily kept to themselves. Judith needed time to make sense of this, time to heal and time to think.

There weren’t many jobs available around here that she was qualified to do. Being a waitress was about all she knew. She had no office skills and jobs on assembly lines were available only to people who ‘knew’ people…  Times were tough and she needed to figure out a way to pay for the apartment and buy food.

Judith sat down in front of the vanity and took her hair down from the make-shift French twist she always wore when applying for work. It made her look more intelligent and sophisticated; or so she thought.

She closed her eyes as she pulled the brush through her hair and remembered how it felt when her mommy would do it. It was hard to see her mother’s face inside the memories that had become buried beneath the weight of a problematic life. When she opened them again she imagined seeing herself as a little girl sitting in front of her mother, getting her hair brushed. Beautiful, like mommy… Judith sat motionless as her mother’s face began to appear inside the mirror; like an old silent movie, she watched as her mother’s eyes met her own.

Suddenly the image of her mother disappeared and the face of a disfigured old woman appeared in the glass. Judith stared in shocked disbelief at the face that was reflected back to her in the mirror.

Watcha gonna do now, Jee- ew- dithhh? 

“My God, she is talking to me,” Judith whispered to herself. This figment of her imagination was addressing her from inside the mirror! And, she remembered that voice; that awful hateful voice that used to chide her mommy.

“What do you want from me?” Judith screamed. “What could you possibly want from ME?”

Of course, Judith, I do want something from you.  Doesn’t everyone WANT something?  What do YOU want?

“To be left alone. I want you to go away and leave us alone,” she sobbed.

Us? 

That’s right.  There are two mouths to feed, aren’t there? You went and did that bad thing with that boy and now look at you, a child to feed and no money. It is shameful.

“Leave my daughter out of this, she is innocent!” The memory of those words sent a shudder down her back and she could feel the hair at her nape stand up as if she had been shocked.  Judith could feel herself working into a panic. Her instincts were screaming at her to defend her daughter, yet she could not pull herself away from the mirror.

You are a whore like your mother and her mother and her mother’s mother… you are all fallen women, bawdy and unclean, HARLOTS!

Judith closed her eyes and listened to her own breathing. It’s a dream, she thought to herself, some sort of hallucination. Find out what it is and what it wants. You’re in control, she said inside her mind, don’t show it any fear.

“Who are you?” Judith asked in the calmest voice she could muster.  “Who and what are you?”

She lowered her voice and began again, “Why are you so mean?” she asked the mirror. “Why are you so hateful and vulgar?”

I see everything, Judith, Everything! You can’t put one past me. I see inside of you and inside of them! They don’t want to know you child, they want to use you up and throw you away. You are nothing more than a simple fuck, but all that’s about to change Judith. You are getting tired of being passed around like a harlot! You need to show them that you will not accept or tolerate this behavior.

“What shall I do about it?” Judith asked softly.

“How can I fix this?”

“Fuck them back! Just like they do to you! Make them pay for their indiscretions, Judith. 
Fuck them where it counts, Judith, and walk away.

“Yes, that is what I must do,” Judith said in agreement. “I must take back my dignity and leave them without theirs,” she laughed.

It’s too late, Judith. You’ve muddied up your name and your reputation. I know how many you’ve laid with! I know what happens to some of them when they’ve finished with you; the ones you said no to and took you anyway. 

Judith’s mouth fell open.  Her mind was spinning.  What happened to those I said no to? What happened?

Good girl, I say to you. Say no and if they force themselves inside against your will, then you’d no other choice but to have your justice.  Kill the mutherfuckers!  Kill them all!

Judith sat in shocked disbelief as the distortion in the mirror ranted on. 

But, what shall we do with the ones you allow, Judith? How do we handle your sinful ways? You know you will resort to it. You are no different than the others, thinking you can use your beauty to capture a man’s soul inside of you for a price. You will become a grotesque reminder of what SHE was. 

You’re all tramps.

Without so much as a word, Judith rose from the seat in front of the vanity and walked over to where the red velvet coverlet was draped over a chair. She picked it up and without once looking back into the mirror; she hung the coverlet over it and silenced the hag who lived inside.

Judith could not deny the fact that there was little hope of finding a job that could now pay enough to get caught up on the rent and bills, plus all the extras, like food.

That old “Mr. Waddles” (the girls at the diner called him that because of the loose dangling skin around his neck) was always trying to get a pinch every time she was bussing a table near his, as she would be balancing plates in one hand and trying to wipe the crumbs with the other. He always managed to get a pinch and then he’d laugh in that ‘dirty old man’ kind of way. Yes. I think he might pay for more than a pinch, she thought to herself.

The thought of it turned her stomach completely over, but Lily’s jovial face beaming up at her as if to say – Mommy, everything will be okay – gave her the strength to see it through.

CHAPTER ELEVEN

"Don't forget that I cannot see myself -- that my role is limited to being the one who looks in the mirror." – Jacques Rigaut

Suzanne isn’t much of a talker and the routine never changes… full spoon aimed at my mouth as I watch her own mouth open in mock anticipation of its content. I suppose she doesn’t think I know what to do when a spoon is coming at me. I am not an idiot, Suzanne; I do know how to open my mouth to receive… food.

My face twitched with the thought and my cheeks burned and ached, then it was gone… some long ago memory of something…

After I take a bite the ritual continues, two shaves of the chin with the spoon to collect any drool and renegade morsels and it all gets reinserted into my mouth again. I must learn how not to drool, but not before I learn the fine art of spitting.

“Are you almost finished here?” This nurse is the liveliest one to ever come visit; a large black woman with breasts that extend well over her waist and hips making it impossible to see her ID badge. “They want us to clean her up. Them doctors think we just move them into the shower, hose ‘em down and dry ‘em off. They got no idea, no idea at all!”

“Yep, done here” Suzanne answers back to her. “Whose turn is it to brush her hair?”

“Yours, sweet Suzie! It’s all you today, good luck.” The black woman comes to the other side of my bed to lift me into the wheelchair.

Here we go, another day at the spa with people attending to my every need. Life is good here at the institute. They really should send out brochures.

CHAPTER TWELVE

“Family faces are magic mirrors looking at people who belong to us; we see the past, present and future” – Gail Lumet Buckley

Finding the old man was easy enough. Judith knew Mr. Waddles would enter Dunmore’s at precisely 8:00 A.M. and Dina, the morning waitress, would have his coffee poured before he took his seat at the back booth. Judith walked in right behind him and took the seat across from him. Mr. Waddles smiled, “Judith, what a nice surprise. What brings you to Dunmore’s this morning? I would have thought you’d never show your face in here again after they let you go.”

“Well, I’m a mother,” she spoke to the point, “and a girl who needs a job in a town where jobs are hard to come by, especially without experience.”

Mr. Waddles grunted in acknowledgement without taking his eyes off the cup in front of him as he continued to stir.

“I’m also a woman…” she continued. Mr. Waddles stopped stirring and tapped his spoon against the lip of the cup before placing it on the napkin which was still folded neatly on the table in front of him. He looked up at Judith with renewed interest; leaning forward as if he needed to hear the proposition clearly the first time it was made.

“Why, Judith… I do think we can do business… how about this evening?” he volleyed back to her. “Is ten o’clock good for you?”  Judith agreed. 

As she stood to leave, a hand from the next booth reached out and grabbed her by the arm. “I didn’t mean to eavesdrop, but I couldn’t help hearing the offer you made to this gentleman and I was wondering…” He winked. To her surprise, the young man was asking if he could pay her a visit around 1 a.m., giving Mr. Waddles plenty of time to complete his business and depart.

“I’ll pay you twice what he offered,” he smiled assuredly.

She returned his smile and asked him for his pen. She wrote her address on the napkin in front of him and instructed him to knock only once and to be on time.

Too smooth, she thought to herself. It’s too easy. Judith stepped into the alleyway next to Dunmore’s and threw up.

Lily smiled up at her mother as she tucked her safely into her bed and placed her ‘special’ friend, a worn-out stuffed bunny, next to her face for comfort.  It was important that she not see the faces of the men that would be visiting tonight, Judith thought as she returned the smile. Hopefully, there would never be any night sounds; the sound of the television would be enough to drown out their sickening moans. Judith kissed Lily’s forehead and turned off the light. “I love you Lily, sweetest dreams.”

“I love you more!” spoke the tiny voice of her angel as she closed the door.

Mr. Waddles was prompt.  He didn’t fool around with idle talk either; time was money! Judith took off her blouse and was fumbling with the hooks on her bra. A rush of memories flooded her mind making it difficult to concentrate on the moment. What am I doing? She thought to herself knowing that there was no other way. She had to do what she had to do.  A sudden jolt of understanding hit her… and the memory of that night…

“Don’t bother with that, dear,” he snorted. “I’m not interested in anything but this.”  He spun Judith around and patted her behind.

Before she could protest, he had her panties down at her ankles and bent over the side of the vanity. She heard him spit into his hand and nearly passed out when she finally realized what he intended to do. It burned with every thrust and she prayed that he would finish quickly. 

Judith caught a glimpse of her own horrified and contorted face in the mirror just before she saw HER reflection break through.  SHE didn’t say a word; just watched the old man intently as he continued his assault.

Judith’s prayers were answered. He quickly finished his business behind her, zipped up his pants, and threw a $50 bill onto the vanity where she was still bent over in pain.

“Always knew you had a sweet little ass, but never imagined just how sweet.” Judith supposed that was meant as a compliment for services rendered. No matter how desperate she was, she swore to herself that she would never be rendering her services to him again.  Ever!

She had crossed the line. There was no turning back. She cleaned herself up and wiped her cheeks and neck with a cool moist facecloth. She wasn’t even aware that she was crying until she saw herself in the mirror above the sink as she dried her face. 

It’s okay, Judith. I’m here darling one. You will be fine and everything will be right in the morning.

Judith lay across her bed and pulled a pillow to her. A tear traced down her cheek and fell onto the sheet.

There was a rap at the door. Visitor number two was just outside. It had felt as if she were inside of a time warp. She looked at the clock on the nightstand – two hours had passed and it seemed as if she had just wiped her face. The last thing she remembered was seeing her own reflection in the bathroom mirror and now she was in bed – not asleep, mind you – waking from some sort of daze. Judith didn’t even bother getting dressed. She put on her robe and answered the door.

“Judith?” he had such a nice voice. “Judith, are you okay?”

“I’m just a little shook up,” she answered, trying not to make eye contact.  “Didn’t expect things to go the way they did is all.”

He opened her robe and saw that she was still wearing her bra but was totally bare below. He nodded as if he suddenly understood and turned her around.

“He managed to hurt you in the process, didn’t he?” 

“I never expected…  I wasn’t prepared…”

“No worries.  I won’t be using that end tonight anyway, if it’s all the same to you.”

It wasn’t the same to her. It was never the same for her; just business.  The pleasure was always theirs.

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

 “When people talk of ghosts, I don’t mention the apparition by which I am haunted, the phantom that shadows me about the streets, the image or spectre, so familiar, so like myself, which lurks in the plate glass of shop-windows, or leaps out of mirrors…” - Logan Pearsall Smith

The shower felt so good against Judith’s skin.  She felt as if something inside of her had died and the cold mist of the shower was reminiscent of another time… When was innocence lost? She wondered to herself, detached and broken.

Judith did not sleep at all that night so she slipped out early to grab some fresh milk and buttered croissants to share with Lily when she woke up.

“Did you hear the ruckus last night?” the clerk asked her as he swiped the items into the scanner.

“No. What ruckus?” Judith answered casually. She really didn’t want to stay here any longer than she had to, with Lily still asleep up in the apartment.

“They found an old man near the dumpster right behind your building. DEAD!” 

Her jaw fell open. “Old man?”

“Yeah, you know the one… the perv,” the young boy laughed. “He always pinched the waitresses over at Dunmore’s where you use to work. At least that’s what I heard.”

“Murdered?” Judith managed to get the word out.

“Naw, they think he just keeled over with a heart attack, ‘least that’s what the officer was sayin’. He was all blue in the face, had a look of wide eyed terror… creepy stuff… hadn’t seen anything like it before is what the one cop said.”  The clerk answered as he totaled the purchase.

Judith handed the clerk the fifty-dollar bill and waited for her change.  “I gotta go, Sammy. Lily is still asleep and I don’t want her to wake up and find me not there…” she just let the sentence trail off. 

Sammy handed Judith her change as she picked up the bag and shot out the door.

As soon as she was back in the apartment she put the bag down on the table and sat down. Her head was spinning. Judith wasn’t the least bit sorry for Mr.Waddles. In fact, she was somewhat relieved.

Do not get used to it, Judith.

Oh my dear god in heaven!  That voice!

Judith ran down the hall into her bedroom and stood facing the vanity mirror. “Don’t get use to WHAT?” she demanded.

There was a long silence, but Judith was not going to budge until she had her answer.

He was a sodomist! And worse, I witnessed the entire act as it played out right here in front of me!  You didn’t EXPECT it?  I certainly did not EXPECT the insult to take place HERE!

The glass in the mirror was rattling with her angered outbursts.  A tint of red appeared at the edges.

“Did you do something to him?” Judith was not sure she really wanted to know the answer.

He was trash. I took the trash out.

“Mommy? Who are you talking to?” It was Lily, her sweet angel-faced Lily, sweet innocence. Judith wondered how long she had been standing there.

“No one, honey… probably just talking to myself – you caught me!” Judith teased in return as she lifted the red velvet coverlet over the mirror. “Now I’m gonna catch you!” she continued as she changed the subject and reached out for a tickle.

Lily ran giggling down the hall and into the kitchen as Judith gave a playful chase.  “Did you get us a surprise, Mommy?”

“Yes, I did,” Judith giggled back to her. Sit down and we’ll celebrate this morning with a cold glass of fresh milk and, ta-da! Buttered Croissants!”

The morning was filled with laughter and playfulness as they sat and ate their breakfast. Afterwards they went out to the park for some fresh air and much needed sunshine.

Judith sat on the park bench watching Lily play with the other children with a mother’s pride and feeling the countless blessings… woven with thoughts of a dead Mr. Waddles. What have I become? Is this what my mommy felt, after…?

A tear escaped from the tight mesh of her eyelashes and started to make its way down her face. But, before she had a chance to wipe it away she felt someone else’s soft fingers gently gather it from her cheek.

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

“Cowardice and courage are never without a measure of affectation. Nor is love. Feelings are never true. They play with their mirrors.” - Jean Baudrillard

He was handsome. Not the striking underwear model kind of handsome, but the clean-cut gentleman caller kind of handsome.

“You are so much prettier when you’re smiling,” he said. “Mind if I keep you company for a spell?”

“No, not at all,” Judith smiled through her tears. “I’m just a little bit emotional today.”

“I have strong shoulders and a good sense about things if you need to talk.” He was so endearing to her. She wondered why a man like this couldn’t come into her life and sweep her away from her troubles. A man like him would be so nice to care for.

“You      really     wouldn’t   understand,  but    I appreciate your kindness.” Judith hung her head and lowered her eyes. The guilt and shame of the previous night was amplified by this man’s goodness. 

“I won’t pry,” he responded gently. “My name is Ross, what’s yours?”

“Judith,” she answered back, still not looking up. There seemed to be a sense of disgrace attached to the name. Judith took a deep breath to cleanse the feeling and regain her composure.

“Well, Judith,” Ross began in, what seemed to be, an effort to distract her from her previous thoughts. “I see you here with your little one quite a bit.  I pick up my daughter Rose and we come here to play. I want to watch her grow up and her mother and I… well, it didn’t work out so well between us.”

They talked and talked while Rose and Lily played in their imaginary world. Ross offered more information about himself, allowing enough time for Judith to offer information without intruding into her privacy. He was quick to recognize how guarded her secrets were and respectfully avoided uncomfortable questions that might cause her more anguish. “Would you like to join us for something to eat?” he asked. “It’s getting late and I know the girls must be getting hungry.”

“I don’t know.” Judith wasn’t sure she would ever be able to trust a man again, especially after last night. She was certain there would be a price to pay and she simply couldn’t afford it. “No thank you. I think it would be best if Lily and I just hung out by ourselves for a bit. I hope you understand.”

“Then, may I call you sometime?” His smile was beautiful and his eyes lit up like fireworks with the anticipation of a yes. Judith hesitated but decided a phone call couldn’t hurt. She did enjoy his company and they could continue to meet here in the park where it was safe and watch Rose and Lily play.

“I’ll call you tomorrow?” It hung somewhere between a question and a statement. 

“Of course, tomorrow will be fine.” She smiled her sweetest dimpled smile.

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

“There are some minds like either convex or concave mirrors, which represent objects such as they receive them, but never receive them as they are.” -  Joseph Joubert

“How did she do after the last session?” the doctor asked.

“She slept the rest of that day and most of the next morning,” came a reply from somewhere to the right.

“Any communication? Any indication she is improving?”

“No sir, no significant improvement. She eats for us and allows us to administer her meds to her, but that’s about it.”

“And the brush?  Doesn’t look like anyone has gotten anywhere near her with that brush,” the doctor chuckled.

“Suzanne tried to brush her hair yesterday sir. We had to call in the orderly to help us subdue and sedate her. She was able to get the brush from Suzanne’s hand and broke her nose with it. Blood was everywhere.”

Ah, yes. That was exciting! After a nice warm bath with the ladies chatting away about their private lives (and the private lives of everyone else on the floor), it was blissfully relaxing and strangely erotic... smashing

Everything went quite well, if I do say so myself, until that bitch picked up the brush. Who do they think they are? It’s doesn’t belong to them!

Oh, the surprised look of terror when I snatched that brush out of her hand and swung it hard into the center of her face… BAM! And the bright red spray of blood that immediately erupted from her nose, the splatter hitting my face…warm thickness, a light organic taste as it trickled past the corner of my mouth… it tasted…

“Hey! Wait a sec, I think she’s awake, sir. She is smiling…” the woman to my right sounded as if she’d seen a ghost.

“Ms. Burton? Can you hear me?” The doctor was careful to approach and I could feel the bodies closing in just in case he needed some assistance. 

“Let’s go ahead and push the sedative please, and since we’re starting today with a little more juice

I want everyone watching vitals.”



CHAPTER SIXTEEN

“Self-revelation is a cruel process. The real picture, the real you, never emerges. Looking for it is as bewildering as trying to know how you really look. Ten different mirrors show you ten different faces.” - Shashi Deshpande

Every night it was the same thing.  You get numb after a while, Judith thought to herself while staring blankly at her reflection in the vanity mirror. You forget where you are, who you are, what you’re doing. No need for names. Nevertheless, the regulars want you to use them anyway; Dan, Robert, Alex, William, Michael, John… names, they mean nothing to me… “Just a blur of names without faces. I don’t know them; I don’t even know me…” She whispered to herself.

Again, she continued the monologue in her mind, I suppose it makes it all seem more personal, more like real desire rather than the business transaction that it is.  Just play along. Yes, just pretend.

I can block it all out except that incessant harping from that dreadful woman in the mirror, Judith thought as she looked again at her reflection. It was changing.

You smell like a sewer, Judith.  How many men have filled you with their waste this week?  You are just like your mother, festering with decay - the two of you. Just look at you Ju–DITH! You have become your mother, a two-bit whore. Your stomach is distended with the curdling cream of monsters and degenerates.”

She could never understand why she didn’t throw it out, hack it into pieces and burn it. She never understood why she even bothered to uncover it just so she could paint her face to look alive and brush her long chestnut hair… perhaps seeing her own reflection in the mirror was like seeing her mommy again. 

“Mommy? Are you talking to yourself again?” Lily had come into the room unnoticed.  “I thought I heard you talking to someone.”

“No baby girl, we’re just getting ready for our big date tonight.”

“He is so nice, Mommy,” she smiled coyly. “Not like those other men.”

“What other men?” Judith asked in the calmest voice she could manage.

“The men who come here at night; they make pig sounds. It scares me sometimes. It sounds like they are hurting you?” Her angel eyes were searching for something in Judith’s expression.

“We are just fine, baby. What ever gave you the idea they are hurting mommy?” She tried pushing away the feeling that somehow Lily knew.

“I watch them … sometimes.”

“Oh my god, no!” Judith ran over to Lily and picked her up. It took her a moment to collect herself. “No, they aren’t hurting Mommy. We are just playing… games.”

She couldn’t imagine what Lily had witnessed. She didn’t want to know. “It is very important that we never say a word about mommy’s friends and the games we play to anyone, do you understand?”

“Okay mommy, it’s our secret.” Lily reached her arms around her mommy’s neck and hugged her tight.

It’s okay Judith, I sing her to sleep and help her to forget what she has seen.

“Come sit here with mommy and we’ll brush your hair.” Lily stood between her mother’s legs facing the mirror. “Let’s put this pretty barrette in your hair and you will look just like mommy.”

The rap at the door made her heart jump. Judith and Lily ran to answer the door together. Their giggles were rewarded with the sight of a huge bouquet of roses. “Oh, Ross, they’re beautiful.

“I want you to remember our first date, Judith. It’s an important night.” he smiled sweetly to her.

 “I’m ready,” Judith answered. “All we have to do is take Lily downstairs to Mrs. Henderson’s for the night. Let me get these into a vase and we can go.”

As Judith found the vase and filled it with water she could hear Ross and Lily talking and laughing in the living room.  The sound was magical; a fairytale too good to be true.  She finished arranging the roses and set them on the table, pausing long enough to inhale their sweet perfume as it filled the room. Too good to be true…

The restaurant was intimate and plush. The smell of all the delectable dishes being prepared was overwhelming as Ross pulled out her chair. Judith smiled demurely and sat down as he gently guided her chair in. The room was aglow in amber from the flickering candlelight and it felt as if she had entered a dream.

Ross was a gentleman throughout dinner. They enjoyed each other’s company and he managed to capture her heart with his ability to discuss an array of interesting topics and making her feel important by asking her for her thoughts.

After a wonderful dinner, Judith and Ross took the long walk home through the park holding hands and talking like two love-sick school kids. “Where is Lily’s Daddy?” he finally asked.

“He died,” Judith answered curtly.

“I didn’t mean to pry. I was just wondering how he could leave two beautiful ladies like you and Lily,” he apologized. “I guess I also wanted to know if there was any competition… you know?”

“It was a mistake, Ross. Plain and simple, we were young and things – well – got out of hand,” she explained. “It wasn’t as if…” Her voice trailed off.

“… you were in love?” He filled in the gap.

“It had nothing to do with love, Ross. He wanted it, so he got it, plain and simple, like I said.”

Ross stopped and took both of her hands into his. “You don’t owe me an explanation, Judith,” he said to her. “I care, that’s all. I care about you and Lily.” Judith dropped her eyes from his. She felt so dirty and unworthy of him.

Ross took her chin and nudged her face upward so she was again looking into his eyes. “Did he know about Lily?”

“No. He died that night, after we...” she hesitated. “No, he never knew.”

“Oh, Judith, I am so sorry…”

“Don’t be.  I wasn’t.”  Again, her eyes fell away from his.

“Look, Ross,” she explained. “It was an accident. They found him that night on the track behind the school. There wasn’t any way to tell what got a hold of him. Wasn’t much left, if you know what I mean.”

“Okay, let’s change the subject,” he insisted.

Judith could sense his discomfort. 

“I know it’s our first date and all,” he continued, “but I’d like to see you again if it’s okay with you and I’d, well, sort of like it to be just me you’re seeing.”

“Are you asking me to go steady?” Judith turned shyly away, blushing.

“Well, yeah – ‘suppose I am,” he answered more confidently.

Without answering him in words Judith reached up and kissed him on his cheek.  He wanted to be in a relationship, exclusively… with me…, she thought to herself.  Imagine that.

“Ross, I,” Judith hesitated then continued without looking him in the eye, “I just don’t think it would be a good thing for you and I to jump into anything.”

“We’ve been seeing each other for a while now at the park. We’ve talked enough and shared laughs as well as concerns. I feel… He tried to meet her eye as he said it, but Judith would not return his gaze, “I feel something for you, Judith.  Something deep.”

“Ross…” She started.

“No, no more hesitations, no more excuses.” He kissed her forehead tenderly. “I’m not asking you to profess your undying love for me; I just want to give this a chance… a real chance, for both of us.”

Judith looked up into his face and saw the sincerity of his feelings reflected in his eyes. “I’m not dating anyone else, Ross. I haven’t been dating. I suppose it is okay to agree to date you exclusively, but I can’t make any commitments…”

“Shhh.  That’s good enough for me,” He smiled down at her. “I won’t push. I know there is still a lot we do not know about each other. I am willing to give you all the time you need. I will be right here when you feel like sharing. I won’t judge you, Judith.”

“What you don’t know,” Judith bit her bottom lip hard. “What you don’t know about me, Ross, there is so much… I don’t want to hurt you, hurt Lily…”

“How about you?”

“How about me.” She echoed. “I don’t even know who I am anymore. I just know I love my daughter; she is my ‘everything’. That’s all I care about, I must protect her.”

“I agree with you.” Ross surprised Judith. “We can take it slow and be very careful not to hurt the girls. But, you’ll have to forgive me if I believe in you.”

He squeezed her hand tight and again put a gentle kiss to her forehead before placing her hand securely in the crook of his arm and escorted her home.

Ross said goodnight at the door and kissed her hand. “I had a wonderful time tonight, Miss Burton.”

Her heart was beating hard as he waited for her to close her door. After she turned the lock, she
heard his footsteps as he walked away.

Judith fell onto her bed and looked up at the ceiling. He hasn’t even touched me or shown me any disrespect, she mused. Maybe there is a prince out there for me… maybe Ross is MY prince, she thought as she drifted into sweeter dreams.

The next morning Judith was jolted awake. It was HER. She had forgotten to cover the mirror! SHE was laughing out loud and it kept on and on without stopping.

Judith covered her ears and looked around for something to cover it – where is it?

Judith!  Really?  Don’t tell me you have fallen for it; for him.  You know there is no such thing as something for nothing. Prince Charming? Really?

How stupid you are!

Where was that damned coverlet?

Do not listen to her, Judith.  She will only break you down; confuse you.  Find the coverlet and shut her up.

Have you told him how you pay the rent?  Does he know what you do with all those men?  Have you shown him what you can do… when you really put your mind to it? More laughter.

There it is! Judith reached under the pile of dirty laundry, lifted it out, gave it a shake and threw it over the mirror.

Silence.

Ignore her.  Judith, she is a monster.

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

“You've never seen death? Look in the mirror every day and you will see it like bees working in a glass hive.”  - Jean Cocteau

Doctor!  I think she’s responding.

“Miss Burton, take it easy now and take a deep breath.” He was speaking to me in hushed comforting tones. Something covered my nose and mouth and there were people rushing around in a panic.

 “BP coming up – 110 over 70,” reported a woman standing at the back of the room while another voice reported, “Pulse returning to normal – 100 and falling.”

“Damn, that was a close one.” The doctor looks into my eye with his light… and I looked right back at him.

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

“She went over to the mirror...glancing at herself sidelong, as women do who think they have lost their beauty; repudiating a complete reflection.“ - Rosamond Lehman

 “Judith! Come on baby! Take a deep breath now.  It’s okay, I’m right here.”  It was Ross.

“Ross?”

“What the hell happened?” he asked as he searched her face for clues, then continued, “I went to the bathroom, told you I’d be right back and the next thing I hear are your screams. What happened?”

She looked up into that beautiful caring face of his. He was truly concerned and shaken. Did he hear HER?

“I must have had a bad dream or something. 

Yeah, it was just a bad dream.  I’m so sorry.”  Judith reached up and touched his face, looking for a sign that he accepted that explanation.

He relaxed a little and helped her back up onto the bed where he held her tight and kept reassuring her that everything was okay.

“I feel like such a fool,” Judith whispered to him.  “I am so sorry.”

“You had me a little freaked out for a moment when I saw you sitting in the floor with your hands over your ears and screaming.”

“Did you hear anything else?” Judith asked cautiously.

He let out a laugh and looked at her like she was crazy.  “Anything else?  Like what?”

“Never mind, I guess I get caught up in my own nightmares sometimes.”  She closed her eyes and hoped it was just a nightmare.  Wouldn’t that be wonderful?

“Where is Lily?”  Judith said as she jumped off the bed and ran down the hall toward Lily’s room.

“Judith!”  He had hold of her arm truly concerned by her mental condition.  “She is with Mrs.

Henderson, remember? She spent the night there.”

“Oh, my God, Ross I am so sorry.  I guess I’m still a little unsettled from the dream,” she apologized.

He walked her back to the bed and kissed her on the top of her head.  “I’ll go down and get her.  Why don’t you get dressed and I’ll take us all out for breakfast?”

“Okay.  I’ll wash my face and try to put myself together. Thank you, Ross. Thank you for being so sweet to me.”

Judith looked at her reflection in the bathroom mirror.  I look as if I haven’t slept in days, she thought to herself. There were dark circles forming behind the baggage under her eyes.  Her skin was pale.

What day is it? She wondered.  How long has it been now?

She and Ross had been dating for quite some time, several months, and he had taken his time with her. He never crossed the line until she finally invited him to her bed.

Last night was the turning point for the two of them.  There was no turning back.  It was done.

All this time they would say good night as he gently kissed her on the lips and then again on her forehead. Then Ross would wait for her to close the door and relock it from the other side. He would always wait a moment longer just on the other side; listening to be sure she was safe before turning to leave; but, not last night.

Judith turned and re-opened the door, “Ross?”

“Babe, is everything okay?” he turned and ran back to her prepared to face whatever dragon lurked nearby.

“No, Ross… it’s just…” she stumbled for words. “Please don’t leave me tonight.”

It seemed like a dream.  He was gentle and his hands would warm her heart as they warmed everything they touched.  His mouth was soft and told her more in one kiss than anything he could say with words. Ah, but his words were also gentle and loving.  How long has it been?

Remember, she thought to herself, remember everything.  Keep the memory of last night safe.

He did not hesitate at the invitation to stay with her. Ross took Judith into his arms and held her close to his chest while he stroked her hair. “Are you sure?” He whispered to her.

“I want you to stay, Ross,” she replied, her hands trembling as they held him close.

“Judith Burton.” He breathed out. “Let me love you…”

“Yes.” Was her simple reply, but it was enough.

Ross slowly unbuttoned her blouse and eased it off her shoulders letting it fall to the floor.  As he unclasped her bra, he kissed her gingerly on her lips, over and over again, careful not to linger too long.

Ross scooped her up into his arms and carried her to the bed. There, he lay her down and spread her hair out on the pillow and looked at her, just looked at her. “You are so beautiful, Judith, beautiful.” She smiled.

Clothes disappeared and he was leaning over her, hesitating long enough so she could see him, all of him, in his nakedness… all she could think of was his touch. “Touch me.” She spoke aloud. “Touch me, Ross. I need to feel your touch.”

Ross cupped a breast in his hand as he brought his mouth to her nipple and began to suckle it, sending wave after wave of desire through her.

Neither spoke another word.  The language of touch was all they needed as he poured himself over her.  Judith left nothing untouched or unexplored.  His body was warm and firm.  She answered every movement, every stroke and every moan with unbridled lust.

As her moment of climax came, she writhed and exploded in a rush of undulating pleasure unlike anything she had ever experienced before.

Ross followed immediately with his eruption, measured in deep spasms that left him spent and panting for breath as he fell on top of her and held her tight.

For what seemed to be a moment in flight, Judith felt the weightlessness of true love expressed between man and woman… between her and Ross.

As she savored that last memory, Judith could hear Ross and Lily racing up the hall to the front door.  Lily was giggling and squealing happily as she made it through the door first.  “I won! I won!”

Ross was skipping in behind her pretending to be out of breath and defeated.  “You won, alright.  Let’s see if Mommy is ready to go and we’ll go have breakfast at the diner.”

“I’m ready,” Judith called from the bathroom as she pinched her cheeks one last time for some color.

The walk to the diner wasn’t that far and the only one talking was Lily. Judith could tell that Ross was watching her and maybe still a bit concerned about this morning. It angered Judith to have such a beautiful evening tarnish by her.

They took a booth at the back and opened their menus. Lily always insisted on sitting next to Ross on his side of the booth. “What do you want, Lily?” Ross asked her. 

“Ice cream!” she answered. “I won and I want vanilla ice-cream with strawberries on top.”

Without any hesitation or need for approval from Judith, Ross nodded his head in agreement and said, “Then, vanilla ice cream with strawberries on top it is.  You won fair and square.”

Judith couldn’t help but smile at the two of them. It was going to be okay. No more thoughts about HER.

“Judith! Sweetheart!” It was John, one of her clients, walking toward them.  Judith dropped her eyes and looked away pretending not to notice.  It was too late.  He was heading straight for their table.

“Oh, John? Hello.”  Judith managed to sound as normal as possible and trying not to make eye contact.

“I won’t intrude dear. I just wanted to ask if it would be okay to change our appointment to Tuesday instead of tonight.

“Of course, John. Why don’t you call me about this later today,” she answered stiffly.

“Appointment?”  Ross asked after him.

“John wants to talk to me about cleaning his apartment for him sometime.  You know, to earn a little extra to pay the bills,” she offered.

“Yeah, that’s right.” John stammered in agreement and then offered a trite ‘goodbye, nice to have met you’, though they were never introduced.

Ross looked at Judith for a long moment before finally breaking the silence. “We’ve been seeing each other for about five months now, Judith.”

“Yes, about that,” she agreed as she looked down at her menu.

“There are a few things that I wonder about…” he continued.

“Well, can we talk about it later?” she interjected before he could go any further. “Let’s just enjoy our breakfast and then take the girls to the park. 

Then you and I can talk.”

He stared at Judith for a few seconds more and then dropped it. They ordered their breakfast and vanilla ice-cream with strawberries for Lily. It did not take long for them to eat while most of the conversation was centered on Lily and what she and Mrs. Henderson did the night before. Judith could feel the tension behind his words as he asked senseless question after senseless question.

After breakfast they walked uptown a bit and stopped long enough for Ross to pick up Rose.  Hand-in-hand they crossed the street to the park where Lily and Rose ran to the playground with their little girl squeals.  Ross reached over and took Judith’s hand and led her to what had become ‘their’ bench.

“How do you do it Judith?” he asked, not taking his eyes off her. “How is it that you are such a good woman, a good mother, and yet no one has come along and swept you off of your feet and made you their own?”

“I don’t know how to answer that.” She was unsettled and beginning to feel so guilty.

“Well, perhaps my next question will be a little easier for you,” he paused. “Do you have ‘feelings’ for me? I mean, I’m falling in love with you and…”

“Ross, stop,” she interrupted. “I’m not ready for this. I do have feelings for you but… Lily.” Judith turned her head and looked away. “I want to take it slow.  There is so much we still don’t know about each other…”

“What do I need to know?”  He asked.

“There is so much you don’t understand, Ross.” She made an attempt at explaining. “I don’t know where to begin.”

“Let’s just agree to let the past remain in the past and start new – right here – right now,” he offered.

“I wish I could just divide myself from the past that way.  I wish I could forget, let it go, as if it all never happened.”

“You can, Judith.  We can.”

“It happened, Ross. It all happened and is happening and will continue to happen… You can’t make it stop. You can’t erase it. I’m sorry.” Judith could see the pain in his eyes.  She could feel his heart breaking. “Lily!  Come on baby, we need to get going.

Say goodbye to Rose and let’s head home.”

Lily never questioned her; always a good daughter, doing as she was told without the whining. 

“Okay, Mommy.”

Judith stood up and turned to face Ross.  “Ross, Last night was beautiful, but I need time to think.  I don’t want any of us to get hurt.”

She suspected that Ross knew the truth but he never questioned her. After last night, she wondered, how could she just walk away? Would there ever be another night like last night? How was she going to make this work?

Of course, those other men came and went before morning. However, Ross did not leave before morning, so Lily stayed with Ms. Henderson last night so she would not know a man her mommy was not married to, had spent the night. How odd the reasoning was…

But then again, there was the ‘talk’ and the raised eyebrows that were being passed around town about her of late.  Yet, he never questioned.

The walk home with Lily was a mine-field of questions. “Why did we have to leave? Rose says I don’t have a daddy.  Do I have a daddy?  How come he never comes to see me?  Do you like Ross?  Rose says her mommy doesn’t like you. Do you know Rose’s mommy?  Why doesn’t she like you?  She says you are just like your mommy. What does that mean?  Am I just like you?  I want to be just like you.”

“NO!” Judith barked and Lily stopped her rambling.  “You are not just like me and you don’t want to be just like me, Lily!  Do you hear me?  You are not just like me!”

Judith   looked down  at  Lily’s  shocked expression. The innocence was slowly seeping away.  She knew she had to do something before it was too late. She had to stop the leak so Lily could stay innocent.

CHAPTER NINETEEN

"Who can gaze into the mirror without becoming evil? The mirror does not reflect evil, but creates it."(Based on the Friedrich Nietzsche quote: "He who fights with monsters should be careful lest he thereby become a monster. And if thou gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will also gaze into thee")

“I think she is crying but I can’t be sure,” the woman spoke.

These are not tears, you stupid fucking bitch. The damn light is too bright and it’s burning my eyes!

“Rashelle, do you think she can hear us?” inquired another female voice from somewhere else in the room.

“Do you think she knows?” answered the first woman.

“We’d better not say anything else just in case she can hear us.”

Close your eyes, sweet baby. I’m going to sing you a lullaby and take you somewhere safe.  Do not open your eyes. Block it all out and come with me…

CHAPTER TWENTY

A Broken Mirror, A Bleeding Fist

A silver Blade Against A Wrist

Tears Falling Down To Lips Unkissed

Ignore Her And She Won't Exist

She's Not The Kind You'll Come To Miss - Author Unknown

“Good night, precious.  I love you so much.” Judith squeezed Lily tight and kissed her forehead.

“Good night Mommy.  I love you so much too,” she said as she returned a kiss to Judith’s forehead. “It will be alright, Mommy. My angel tells me that she will protect us.”

“Your angel?”  Judith asked.

“Yes.  She sings me to sleep every night so I don’t have to hear the voices.”

“Voices?”

“The monsters that come here at night, I know they are really your friends but they sound like monsters and I get scared. My angel says she will protect us and make it all better. I figured that is why you met Ross. I thought she sent him to us so those others would go away.”

Judith stood in horror as Lily told her this.  They were fighting for her? “Shhh, baby, there are no monsters and we would never let anyone hurt you either.  We’ll always make sure you are always safe.”

Was she now talking to her daughter in third person? How long had she been doing this? Judith turned off the light and closed the door.  As she walked into her own bedroom she knew she would have to take care of this somehow. 

Judith removed the red velvet coverlet from the mirror and sat down on the vanity seat to prepare herself. 

She sings her lullabies?  Judith!  You are an idiot. Take your head out of your ass and look at yourself! You look like a crack whore!  Your face has seen a lot of cracks lately.  Laughter

Go ahead - paint it up. Perfume it up. You still smell like shit because you are shit.  More laughter.

She reached down, picked up the kohl pencil to outline her eye and began to apply it carelessly. It really did not matter what her eyes looked like. They never look her in the eyes anyway.

Just look at you!  Blackened eyes to hide the shame.  You know what you are.  WHORE!

Judith picked up the make-up brush and stroked it over her cheeks. Tonight I want to look alive, she thought. I want them to see that I am someone with feelings.

Your cunt has not felt alive since you were ten years old! You quit feeling the dicks sliding in and out of you years ago.  They all begin to blend into one big mind-fuck, don’t they – Jeeeu-dith?

Red lips.  I think I’ll go for the red lips tonight.  They love my blood red lips, Judith kept the monologue running to block HER  out.

A knock on the door.

Try to look alive, Judith.  If they want to fuck their wives dead pussies, they would just stay home.

“Hello Roy.”

“Judy baby, my balls have been tight and hard all day just thinking about slapping against your round little ass.”

“Is that ALL you think about, Roy, your balls slapping against my ass? Wouldn’t you like something a little different tonight?”

“What does the lady suggest?”

“Don’t fucking call me a lady! We both know I’m not a lady.”

“Easy, girl.  A little feisty tonight, are we?”

“I feel like sucking your balls up through your dick.”

“Oh, my God.  Jude, do it.  Please do it.”

Judith didn’t bother to disrobe.  She pushed him down on the bed and quickly undid his pants exposing his member.

She manipulated him between her fingers and then lowered her face into his lap.  She wanted to make sure he was pulsing hard and fully engorged before…

“AAGH, STOP!  Oh my GOD, STOP!  Son-ofa-bitch!  You fucking crazy whore!  STOP!  GOD!

He finally managed to throw her to the floor and she grinned up at him with the skin from his penis still hanging from her blood red lips.

When he stood up the blood quickly spilled into his pants as he screamed in horror. Judith had to silence him before he woke Lily. She reached between the mattress and box springs and brought up the razor sharp glass shard hard enough to slice him from his hips to his chest. 

“You know exactly what I am and I know exactly what you are,” she laughed.

He fell hard to his knees from the shock.  Judith stood up tall and with one last sweep of her arm she slit his throat and silenced his voice. “By the way, my name is not Judy or Jude; it’s JUDITH!”

That turned out well; one monster slain and one less monster to scare my baby girl, she thought to herself with a proud sense of accomplishment.

It took her almost an hour to move him into the kitchen and out of sight. She then had to pull the sheets off the bed and the rug up off the floor to get rid of the mess. She threw the blood soaked bedding over old Roy in the kitchen floor.

Judith stood in the shower long enough to clean the stains of battle from her face and hands then, wrapping herself in a clean towel, quickly went back to the vanity to reapply her lipstick.

You are losing it Judith. You know you are.  Look at you!  Unraveling thread by thread.  You think you can stop it?  The leak is just getting bigger.  Like mother, like daughter – like daughter – like daughter.

Judith looked at her reflection and the long scar of missing glass as she finished applying the cherry apple red rouge to her lips.  She screwed the lipstick back down into the barrel, replaced the tortoise shell cap, placed it carefully down atop the vanity, and then took the hairbrush and smashed it hard against the mirror for a second time. Another shard of glass fell to the floor.  Yes, this will be perfect.

Tap-tap. Fucker was told ONE rap at the door!

Judith opened the door. This was going to be a busy night.

“Let’s not waste time with small talk.” She grabbed his arm and pulled him in. “What do you want – I’ll give it to you and more.” She gave him a sexy pout for the fun of it.

“Well, that’s hardly an offer a man could refuse.”

She felt his hands reach under the towel.

“Why don’t we start here?” he suggested as he slipped his finger in.

She moved with him as they slowly dropped down onto the bed.

“I’ll get a little taste then we’ll go from there,” he moaned.

As he buried his face between her legs, she reached under the pillow and lifted the splintered piece of glass, seeing their distorted reflection just before she buried it in the back of his neck.

She could feel the warm fluid flooding between her legs. Judith wasn’t sure if it was all him at that moment.  She was wondering if she may have reached a climax at precisely the same moment he lost his. 

Judith rolled him over and off of herself to see if her aim had been dead on. He never knew what hit him.  The pointed end of the glass was peeking out of his throat beneath his chin. She could still hear his last breath gurgling from the gash, along with the pulse of blood spewing from his severed artery… one less monster.

Dragging him down the hallway and into the kitchen was no easy task. However, clean up was nothing more than flipping the mattress and wiping up the blood smear left behind from pulling him along the floor.  Judith decided it was of no use to clean herself up just to get all dirty again.

Wonderful show you are putting on for me tonight, Judith. You are a real porn star. Do you really think you can destroy me, Judith?  Look at you.  You are a mess. You’ve done lost your marbles – a thread away from a straight jacket!

That hideous laughter.

Judith came directly into the center of the mirror with the butt of her hand and shattered what was left of the mirror, dislodging it from the frame, and watched it fall like starlit dreams onto the floor around her.  She looked down and saw grotesque pieces of herself staring back. An eye over there, another eye over here… her mouth fractured into tiny red droplets across the bedroom floor.

One more and she will be safe tonight.

Judith could hear his footsteps as he approached the door and swung it open before he had a chance to knock.

“Oh, dear Lord! Judith! What happened? Are you okay?”

Judith was standing naked beneath streaks of blood from head to foot. She wiped the back of her hand across her mouth realizing this was her own blood she tasted. She had opened her hand up with that last punch to the mirror. This might require stitches later but right now there was work to be done.

“Quick, let me look at it. You’ve cut yourself pretty deep.”

She could almost feel herself believing he cared; he really cared.

“What is going on here?” he choked as he looked around the bedroom. There was blood everywhere, the bed, the floor, the hallway… “What the hell happened here?”

He sat her down on the bed and ran to the bathroom for towels. When he came back into the bedroom she stood up. Trying to remain calm, Ross began in a soothing tone, “Judith, honey.  I’m going to make a call to get some help.  You’re hurt but you’ll be okay.  Just let me make a call.”

Judith stood up and walked over to him and kissed him hard on his lips. They would tell her the truth. She could hear the beeps as he dialed 911 into his cell phone and she instantly knocked it out of his hand.

“You didn’t kiss back, Ross. You stood there frozen like a deer in the headlights, Ross. Didn’t you know I would figure it out? You lied. You all lie.  And, if you can’t get it with a lie you know you can get it with a little cash, isn’t that right Ross?”

“Judith, you’re hurt. I need to get you to the hospital before you lose any more blood. Look at your hand, Judith.”

She lifted her hand slowly back up to her mouth. This time she stuck out her tongue and slowly,

sensually licked the blood off the back of her torn hand.  She looked up to lock eyes with him and smiled devilishly at him.

“Please, Judith… let me help you.”

Where were the words ‘I love you’?  He did not say a single word about loving her.

Because he never loved you… Judith.

HER voice was fading in and out like a radio signal just out of reach. Each piece of mirror seemed to carry some variance of HER voice… it was coming from all around her.

 He loved fucking you!  He loved your lips around his cock.  He loved pumping himself dry into your…

Though the sound of HER voice was fractured and distorted, she could still hear her. Judith’s eyes darted over the splintered glass on the floor in an attempt to locate the source of the words.

The slap stung her cheek. She looked at him with blank incomprehension.  Another slap knocked her to the floor and she saw him reaching down for the phone.

“NO!”

Judith pounced quickly for his arm and bit down as hard as she could. 

“Agh!” He cried out loudly as she locked her jaw.

Judith looked up, and to her amazement a shard of glass, a narrow and perfectly shaped dagger, was leaning against the vanity leg reflecting her own bloody frenzied expression.

Judith watched as she wrapped her slender fingers around the larger section of the glass and the sharp edge sliced into the bed of her palm.  She turned to face Ross one last time and whispered the words, “I love you.”

Judith surrendered to the pain and sat up straight in complete rapture, hypnotized by her own shattered images reflected upon the floor, as they disappeared into a mix of blood and flesh. She closed her eyes and realized that she was falling into the ecstasy and release of her own heightened passion from each plunge - one stab after another, thrusting in and out with wild abandon… into her own back.

“911, what is your emergency.”

“Need… help.  1021 46^th Street.” The phone went silent.

CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

The mirror never sees itself. The reflection never is itself.

And since you know you cannot see yourself, so well as by reflection, I, your glass, will modestly discover to yourself,

that of yourself which you yet know not of. - William Shakespeare

“Miss Burton?  This is Doctor Reynolds, he will be taking over your care now.”  The nurse was new and I hadn’t paid much attention to her badge to get her name.

“How long has she been this way?”  He asked.

“It’s been twelve years, Doctor.” She reported.

“Has she ever spoken or given any indication she understands?” He continued.

“Nothing, except the hairbrush, sir” She answered. “She becomes uncontrollably violent if someone touches the hairbrush.”

“Why is that? Does anyone know?” He stepped to the side of the bed and lifted my wrist to take my pulse.

“The reports stated that the apartment was a mess.” the nurse explained. “Two men in the kitchen were found dead and mutilated. The woman was covered in blood and the boyfriend had her blanket around him, tucked at his chin, holding a stuffed bunny.”

“What does that have to do with the hairbrush?” the doctor asked again.

“Miss Burton was covered in her own mother’s blood and from the looks of it – was responsible for her death.  It was hard to tell for sure.  The mother had cuts all over her hands and Miss Burton, here – well, she almost severed her own hand in the process. They found her singing some lullaby and brushing her mother’s matted hair. She wouldn’t let go of it when the paramedics got there and it has stayed with her all these years. Seems to be important to her; she is very protective of it.”

“She never confessed?  Did the boyfriend give a statement?”

“No sir.  I believe his name was Ross Truxton if memory serves me right. It was in all the papers. They say he died a week or so after… heart-attack or something.”

“And, they never found out what really happened?” The doctor placed his clipboard in it’s holder on the far wall.

He reached over as if he were going to pick up the brush and stopped short. Instead, he walked over without saying a word and knelt down so we were face to face.

He was handsome.  Not your underwear model kind of handsome – but a clean-cut good ‘ol boy kind of good looking.

Lily my name is Dr. Reynolds, but I want you to call me Dr. George – okay?  We can be friends.”

Lily. Don’t say a word. Close your eyes and we’ll make him go away.

“I can help you if you’ll let me,” He continued.

You can help yourself to a hand-job Dock-tor!  Jacking off is the safest bet; won’t cost you a thing, least of all your life. 

“Yes, Doctor George. I’d like to be your friend.”  My hushed voice seemed so detached. After so many years of silence, it feels strange to speak for the first time since that horrible night.

“I’ll do my best to help you Lily.” He smiled a beautiful smile and winked. “Would you like for me to brush your hair?”

“Please. And, if you don’t mind… would you please bring me a mirror?”

THE END

If I make the lashes dark

And the eyes more bright

And the lips more scarlet,

Or ask if all be right

From mirror after mirror,

No vanity’s displayed:

I’m looking for the face I had

Before the world was made. - W.B. Yeats